Say you have something that interests you.
Say you've found a direction.
You think you're in front, right? You're already ahead of the curve as far as most people are concerned. All you have to do is achieve it.
Ah, but there's the tricky part. How do you keep yourself to it? How do you find a way to work at it, day in and day out, when your goal seems years away?
What if- after months of working at it, putting one foot in front of the other- you look up and around you for a moment and find somebody who is better, more deserving than you are? Especially if you've been feeling rather low yourself, this can be a dangerous situation.
How do you value your accomplishments, then? How do you keep going, when it seems like you're not going to be as capable as they are?
It's something to struggle with, that's certainly true. You see the accolades afforded to your peers, and there's a feeling that wells up in you. It's easy to pin down that feeling if you don't feel that they're deserving of recognition, but it becomes altogether much more complex if you realize that they DO deserve it. The feeling can't be accurately described as jealousy; after all, what is it jealousy of? Their skills? That gets you nowhere, and only builds resentment. Is it defeat then? No, not yet, it's too early to say that.
So then what is it?
The feeling, as closest can be described at least in my situation, is disappointment. Disappointment at seeing your work be just... not quite enough. Disappointment that can easily be confused with (and indeed, often rolled up in) self-doubt. What did you spend the last few years working for, anyway? Was it all for naught? Will you ever see recognition like that? What if you'd only spent time investing more in yourself?
Now stop there. Stop right there.
It's too late for "what if"s,
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