Get Rid of the Noise

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I feel like the story of my life these past two or three years has been watching things gradually get out of my reach, like a tape gradually unspooling and creating an ever greater mess. I understand all too well that life throws curveballs and the nature of relationships always change, but I hadn't really expected it to all come tumbling down at once. 

It's enough to start doubting yourself, to wonder if you have a point where you should recognize your own limits and stop. Perhaps the idea that one can overstep their boundaries, like some unwashed pauper with designs of being a king some day. Those dreams of pushing through days of both agony and desperate hope into wonderful and well-earned triumph start to seem more and more unattainable. You begin to feel like this point in your life will become either static, or looked upon as "the good old days," when you felt like you were optimistic enough to do anything, before reality stamped you down into something more manageable and rational. 

And it's true. I've had big aspirations for as long as I can remember, but at what point do you think that you're asking too much of yourself? At what point do you look at everything you've done so far and say "enough?"

I suppose I could ask the same question about the state of some of the friendships I have. Just because they may have been one way at some point in time does not guarantee that they'll continue down that road. Again, we're left with either the possibility of bittersweet reminiscence, or possibly worse, stagnation. Either way, it changes the way you view people, occasionally left with a pit in your stomach at the thought of missed potential. 

I've struggled with this kind of mental noise for a while now, quite possibly years. The lack of an end in sight has been looming in my mind like some kind of specter, sapping my resolve and making me ever more reticent and unsure, taking away what pride I once had.

What can I do though, except keep pushing against it? Keep moving forward, keep fighting that notion until that dam finally does break and relief comes washing in? Even then, it's highly doubtful that everything will line up exactly as I've always wanted, but best laid plans and all that. 

No. I can't think about that now. Fight that no-good fucking specter. Keep going. Work. Make yourself and others proud. Be able to look back and say, "yes, I was able to get it done, when things got hard."

For God's sake, don't worry too much about that other shit. There's a bullshit platitude that I absolutely hate, but for now, I'm going to take solace in it: "if it was meant to be, it will happen." By God, I will make it meant to be. It will be. This forest will disperse, and I will find the end.