Get Rid of the Noise

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I feel like the story of my life these past two or three years has been watching things gradually get out of my reach, like a tape gradually unspooling and creating an ever greater mess. I understand all too well that life throws curveballs and the nature of relationships always change, but I hadn't really expected it to all come tumbling down at once. 

It's enough to start doubting yourself, to wonder if you have a point where you should recognize your own limits and stop. Perhaps the idea that one can overstep their boundaries, like some unwashed pauper with designs of being a king some day. Those dreams of pushing through days of both agony and desperate hope into wonderful and well-earned triumph start to seem more and more unattainable. You begin to feel like this point in your life will become either static, or looked upon as "the good old days," when you felt like you were optimistic enough to do anything, before reality stamped you down into something more manageable and rational. 

And it's true. I've had big aspirations for as long as I can remember, but at what point do you think that you're asking too much of yourself? At what point do you look at everything you've done so far and say "enough?"

I suppose I could ask the same question about the state of some of the friendships I have. Just because they may have been one way at some point in time does not guarantee that they'll continue down that road. Again, we're left with either the possibility of bittersweet reminiscence, or possibly worse, stagnation. Either way, it changes the way you view people, occasionally left with a pit in your stomach at the thought of missed potential. 

I've struggled with this kind of mental noise for a while now, quite possibly years. The lack of an end in sight has been looming in my mind like some kind of specter, sapping my resolve and making me ever more reticent and unsure, taking away what pride I once had.

What can I do though, except keep pushing against it? Keep moving forward, keep fighting that notion until that dam finally does break and relief comes washing in? Even then, it's highly doubtful that everything will line up exactly as I've always wanted, but best laid plans and all that. 

No. I can't think about that now. Fight that no-good fucking specter. Keep going. Work. Make yourself and others proud. Be able to look back and say, "yes, I was able to get it done, when things got hard."

For God's sake, don't worry too much about that other shit. There's a bullshit platitude that I absolutely hate, but for now, I'm going to take solace in it: "if it was meant to be, it will happen." By God, I will make it meant to be. It will be. This forest will disperse, and I will find the end.

Keep Pushing

Say you have a goal.

Say you have something that interests you.

Say you've found a direction.

You think you're in front, right? You're already ahead of the curve as far as most people are concerned. All you have to do is achieve it.

Ah, but there's the tricky part. How do you keep yourself to it? How do you find a way to work at it, day in and day out, when your goal seems years away?

What if- after months of working at it, putting one foot in front of the other- you look up and around you for a moment and find somebody who is better, more deserving than you are? Especially if you've been feeling rather low yourself, this can be a dangerous situation.

How do you value your accomplishments, then? How do you keep going, when it seems like you're not going to be as capable as they are?

It's something to struggle with, that's certainly true. You see the accolades afforded to your peers, and there's a feeling that wells up in you. It's easy to pin down that feeling if you don't feel that they're deserving of recognition, but it becomes altogether much more complex if you realize that they DO deserve it. The feeling can't be accurately described as jealousy; after all, what is it jealousy of? Their skills? That gets you nowhere, and only builds resentment. Is it defeat then? No, not yet, it's too early to say that.

So then what is it?

The feeling, as closest can be described at least in my situation, is disappointment. Disappointment at seeing your work be just... not quite enough. Disappointment that can easily be confused with (and indeed, often rolled up in) self-doubt. What did you spend the last few years working for, anyway? Was it all for naught? Will you ever see recognition like that? What if you'd only spent time investing more in yourself?

Now stop there. Stop right there.

It's too late for "what if"s,