The wheels grind to a halt, and like pushing a train, it seems almost exponentially harder to get them moving again.
All of this unnecessarily florid prose and feelings of progress, and for what? I'd always intended this as some sort of way to motivate myself to continue through difficult times. The same for anybody who happened to stumble upon my little corner of the internet, perhaps if they found themselves in the same situation. To see all these posts trying to wax philosophical about the difficulties inherent in life, and to find some sort of virtue in pushing on, in the hopes of keeping to the track.
Looking back over these now I can only see a steady decline. Words which were once hopeful and encouraging have turned more and more to desperate, almost stubborn insistence that I can push through it, things will change.
It's been years since I started having those thoughts. For months now I've been trying to get myself out of this cycle I've fallen into as a result of it. Increasingly I've felt stuck and unable to change things. Increasingly I've adopted a defeatist attitude because of it. I hate it. I feel stuck in a limbo, unable to move forward, forced to think about everything that's brought me to this point, and I feel more and more disgusted with myself over it. This carries over to the next day, and thus the cycle begins anew, every time I wake up, every day putting myself a little deeper into the hole.
It's selfish, but I feel alone. Despite being surrounded by people who care about me. I feel like they pity me. I feel like I'm something to be pitied, so I don't blame them. I don't feel... fulfilled by my interactions though. I feel like I'm letting them down. I'm stuck inside my head each day, left to think about how much I'm disappointing those I love, and not living up to expectations, including my own. Some of those close to me are truly helpful and kind and patient, but then I just feel like I'm letting them down by getting stuck on my own shortcomings, by taking all of their hard work and throwing it back in their faces because I can't get myself to truly make any progress here. I'm worthless right now. I can't get anything done, and I'm just stuck in my own head here waiting for something to break. I can't do anything rash, because I can't handle what that would do to the people I care about. That would be unbelievably selfish of me.
Perhaps that's what it is. Those around me are showing their care the best way they know how, and I feel nothing but regret when I can't get my life turned around, like I'm disappointing them more and more. I project it upon them as pity then. I don't know. Hell.
Where do things turn around? Where do I find the end of that tunnel? What will change? How can I change myself? What the fuck do I do about all of this?
I've got to get this train moving again, sooner or later. I need to find some way to get myself back into gear. I can't keep living like this. I can't.
Fucking hell.
