Diagnosis

Well! It certainly helps to have names to the gremlins that have been following you for years:

Depression
Anxiety
ADHD

Seeing the gradual way in which my life was increasingly controlled by these sinkholes (and thinking on the ways in which I was always controlled by them my whole life) does provide some amount of relief. 

Does it mean that I'm no longer harried by them? Absolutely not. 

I still have days where I am viscerally, brutally trapped in my own mind and it's all I can do to keep myself from breaking down into a sobbing mess, if the emotions would ever come. 

I get hit with anxiety that wakes me up in the night feeling dizzy and like my heart is going to explode, like hot glass across that part of me that regulates stress.

I am periodically blindsided by nostalgia so strong that it cores the very essence of me, leaving me feeling numb and like every good day is behind me forever.

I occasionally find myself standing on the precipice of existential dread, staring down into a yawning abyss of all-consuming nothingness.

But, on a certain level, it all matters less. A diagnosis does mean that I'm no longer listening to the voice that is telling me that everybody around me pities me and that I'm a failure to everyone I love, and that feels like a massive victory. A diagnosis provides more detail on the picture of me, while allowing me to move beyond it and keep it from being my whole self. A diagnosis allows me to be kinder to those around me when I am in the depths of my own problems. A diagnosis better allows me to see the paint and cardboard that my demons are actually made of.

It doesn't keep my breathing from turning shallow unbidden, but it does allow me to step back and to remember to breathe, instead of always letting the alarm bells take over.

Whenever you can grab a victory, you can and should. This is a reminder for me in the future.

Inertia

The wheels grind to a halt, and like pushing a train, it seems almost exponentially harder to get them moving again.

All of this unnecessarily florid prose and feelings of progress, and for what? I'd always intended this as some sort of way to motivate myself to continue through difficult times. The same for anybody who happened to stumble upon my little corner of the internet, perhaps if they found themselves in the same situation. To see all these posts trying to wax philosophical about the difficulties inherent in life, and to find some sort of virtue in pushing on, in the hopes of keeping to the track.

Looking back over these now I can only see a steady decline. Words which were once hopeful and encouraging have turned more and more to desperate, almost stubborn insistence that I can push through it, things will change.

It's been years since I started having those thoughts. For months now I've been trying to get myself out of this cycle I've fallen into as a result of it. Increasingly I've felt stuck and unable to change things. Increasingly I've adopted a defeatist attitude because of it. I hate it. I feel stuck in a limbo, unable to move forward, forced to think about everything that's brought me to this point, and I feel more and more disgusted with myself over it. This carries over to the next day, and thus the cycle begins anew, every time I wake up, every day putting myself a little deeper into the hole.

It's selfish, but I feel alone. Despite being surrounded by people who care about me. I feel like they pity me. I feel like I'm something to be pitied, so I don't blame them. I don't feel... fulfilled by my interactions though. I feel like I'm letting them down. I'm stuck inside my head each day, left to think about how much I'm disappointing those I love, and not living up to expectations, including my own. Some of those close to me are truly helpful and kind and patient, but then I just feel like I'm letting them down by getting stuck on my own shortcomings, by taking all of their hard work and throwing it back in their faces because I can't get myself to truly make any progress here. I'm worthless right now. I can't get anything done, and I'm just stuck in my own head here waiting for something to break. I can't do anything rash, because I can't handle what that would do to the people I care about. That would be unbelievably selfish of me.

Perhaps that's what it is. Those around me are showing their care the best way they know how, and I feel nothing but regret when I can't get my life turned around, like I'm disappointing them more and more. I project it upon them as pity then. I don't know. Hell.

Where do things turn around? Where do I find the end of that tunnel? What will change? How can I change myself? What the fuck do I do about all of this?

I've got to get this train moving again, sooner or later. I need to find some way to get myself back into gear. I can't keep living like this. I can't.

Fucking hell.

Get Rid of the Noise

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I feel like the story of my life these past two or three years has been watching things gradually get out of my reach, like a tape gradually unspooling and creating an ever greater mess. I understand all too well that life throws curveballs and the nature of relationships always change, but I hadn't really expected it to all come tumbling down at once. 

It's enough to start doubting yourself, to wonder if you have a point where you should recognize your own limits and stop. Perhaps the idea that one can overstep their boundaries, like some unwashed pauper with designs of being a king some day. Those dreams of pushing through days of both agony and desperate hope into wonderful and well-earned triumph start to seem more and more unattainable. You begin to feel like this point in your life will become either static, or looked upon as "the good old days," when you felt like you were optimistic enough to do anything, before reality stamped you down into something more manageable and rational. 

And it's true. I've had big aspirations for as long as I can remember, but at what point do you think that you're asking too much of yourself? At what point do you look at everything you've done so far and say "enough?"

I suppose I could ask the same question about the state of some of the friendships I have. Just because they may have been one way at some point in time does not guarantee that they'll continue down that road. Again, we're left with either the possibility of bittersweet reminiscence, or possibly worse, stagnation. Either way, it changes the way you view people, occasionally left with a pit in your stomach at the thought of missed potential. 

I've struggled with this kind of mental noise for a while now, quite possibly years. The lack of an end in sight has been looming in my mind like some kind of specter, sapping my resolve and making me ever more reticent and unsure, taking away what pride I once had.

What can I do though, except keep pushing against it? Keep moving forward, keep fighting that notion until that dam finally does break and relief comes washing in? Even then, it's highly doubtful that everything will line up exactly as I've always wanted, but best laid plans and all that. 

No. I can't think about that now. Fight that no-good fucking specter. Keep going. Work. Make yourself and others proud. Be able to look back and say, "yes, I was able to get it done, when things got hard."

For God's sake, don't worry too much about that other shit. There's a bullshit platitude that I absolutely hate, but for now, I'm going to take solace in it: "if it was meant to be, it will happen." By God, I will make it meant to be. It will be. This forest will disperse, and I will find the end.

Keep Pushing

Say you have a goal.

Say you have something that interests you.

Say you've found a direction.

You think you're in front, right? You're already ahead of the curve as far as most people are concerned. All you have to do is achieve it.

Ah, but there's the tricky part. How do you keep yourself to it? How do you find a way to work at it, day in and day out, when your goal seems years away?

What if- after months of working at it, putting one foot in front of the other- you look up and around you for a moment and find somebody who is better, more deserving than you are? Especially if you've been feeling rather low yourself, this can be a dangerous situation.

How do you value your accomplishments, then? How do you keep going, when it seems like you're not going to be as capable as they are?

It's something to struggle with, that's certainly true. You see the accolades afforded to your peers, and there's a feeling that wells up in you. It's easy to pin down that feeling if you don't feel that they're deserving of recognition, but it becomes altogether much more complex if you realize that they DO deserve it. The feeling can't be accurately described as jealousy; after all, what is it jealousy of? Their skills? That gets you nowhere, and only builds resentment. Is it defeat then? No, not yet, it's too early to say that.

So then what is it?

The feeling, as closest can be described at least in my situation, is disappointment. Disappointment at seeing your work be just... not quite enough. Disappointment that can easily be confused with (and indeed, often rolled up in) self-doubt. What did you spend the last few years working for, anyway? Was it all for naught? Will you ever see recognition like that? What if you'd only spent time investing more in yourself?

Now stop there. Stop right there.

It's too late for "what if"s, 

Regret

It's 3:30 in the morning, but what does it matter anyway? It's not like there's a job to go to tomorrow. The only thing to worry about is coherence.

"What if" and "I wish" are deadly. Often times, nothing good comes from these phrases. Yet, it can be hard to keep those thoughts out of your head. It may surprise you, disguised as an innocuous curiosity about the status of an old friend, or it may be visible from miles away, sitting by yourself in a quiet and melancholy moment. Whatever the trigger may be, the questions often come crashing down onto you, a sudden and fierce onslaught of hypothetical situations, each more favorable than your current situation. It's absurd to assume that you have the worst possible outcome, anyway. That's just the mind, afraid in these moments of weakness, acutely aware of the permanence of decisions and the inexorable march of time.

Sometimes, though, it's important to look at these moments of regret, for they come with a reason. There are times when the regret is nothing more than a quagmire of self-pity and fantasy, but there are also times when it is very incisive analysis of your state. It is times like these when accepting the regret for what it is allows you to conquer it and learn. Perhaps you should restore contact with that person, rather than regretting that it lapsed. Perhaps you should take the next opportunity, or work your hardest to create one if it won't likely present itself again on its own.

Perhaps you should just accept it for what it is and let go. It is repeated to the point of banality, but it bears explaining once more that the nature of life is transient along with everything in it. It is necessary to learn firsthand how to deal with change. Often we look at change as "better" or "worse," and sometimes that sort of judgment fits, but it's also very likely that the change is neither, and just "different." Of course, it's easier to qualify these changes in a positive or a negative light, because often people are looking to find evidence to support their contemporary worldview. Obviously, condemning all change as negative is dangerous and damning to your growth, for obvious reasons. At times, however, seeing change as positive can be just as damaging, and more insidious because it may not seem unhealthy at first glance. A man on the sand shouldn't bemoan the raising of the tide for the sake of complaining about the change, but a man pulled out to sea by the riptide shouldn't view the event as a happy opportunity to change his surroundings and do nothing.

Or, "regret can be a good and important part of realizing what's important to you in life, but don't forget that there's a whole fuckin' life for you out there. You need to live more if you want to regret less."

Just some thoughts (don't worry, there's no point)

When you're young, you see your parents as beings that could do no wrong; they keep you from danger, and even though they make you do things that you don't want to, in the end, everything's all right (assuming everything is normal).

Soon, you grow up a little more, and that hand that once guided you now feels constraining. You push back, you rebel in any way you can, and generally make life hell for your parents. Where once they were faultless, now they're insufferable and short-sighted. Despite the hormones and intense emotion, there are moments of lucidity and wonderful cooperation where you don't feel the need to argue for the sake of argument.

You mellow out, though, and you stop fighting with them as often. Notice how I didn't say never. They're still family, after all. For some people, there is still some intimidation, as these are the people that raised you from nothing. Still, you can see yourself feeling more adult.

Perhaps you skip one of these steps, but the end result generally is you see your parents as humans. Your intimidation fades, and perhaps you see them make mistakes that help you realize this fact. This is, at least for me, the point where I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be a parent. I don't have any kids- it's way too early for me- but I see now what it may be like on the other side. It can also provide you insight as to how they got to be the people they are today. There's a sort of lucidity afforded with age (I say this like I'm venerable, or even wise by any stretch of the imagination- I'm not) that provides you with the ability to see people, and infer their stories. From these experiences and inferences, you can learn positive examples or use them as cautionary tales for your own improvement. It's here you learn not to begrudge your parents their faults or shortcomings, but understand them for what they are and what it means to you.

This, I feel, is crucial in becoming more mature and balanced. It may well be that we are destined to become like our parents, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. We can still be reflections of our parents while being our own people. When you think about it, your dad didn't have the same parents you do, and if you're a product of both of your parents, how do you end up being exactly like one or the other? Pair this with the ability to discern the best and worst qualities, as well as the willpower to adapt the best and weed out the worst, and you have a person who has become like their parents, yet different altogether. This seems like a parent's ultimate legacy- shaping another human being not only actively, but through example as well.

This may seem obvious, of course. However, it is one thing to say these things, it is another thing altogether to realize them in meaning. Perhaps one of the most important things in all of this is to realize that- however fucked up they may be- your parents are still human, and they have their own separate reasons for being fucked up. Just learn from it.

So, like the title says, there's not much of a point here, so don't look too hard for one. It was just some epiphany that I felt the need to write out for my own benefit.

Because Everybody Needs A Life Goal:

Drifting lazily inside an aluminum cocoon, miles above ground and air in radiation and vacuum, you work. Bathed in flourescence, breathing recycled air and drinking recycled water, you share the cramped space with five others. The work you do is largely thankless- the public eye is focused, justifiably so, on more pressing matters on the planet. You don't mind, though; you're not doing it for the fame. You're doing it for many other reasons- adventure, knowledge, the experience... and of course, the view. Below you, the gentle curve of Earth is resplendent with the blues and greens of the South Pacific, soft white clouds casting a shadow on the water. Twenty-five minutes ago, you witnessed a brilliant sunrise illuminate the station you call your home, brighter than you ever thought possible. A little over an hour from now, you could take a spot on the other side and watch the sun disappear behind the planet once more. It is just another example of the concept of relative perspective, and it leaves you in awe as to the grandeur and scale. The experiments on the station build a solid foundation for humanity's understanding of space- an understanding that is crucial toward future exploration. However, many can be converted to everyday applications, improving life on Earth. Alloys created in microgravity allow new materials, and new properties for existing materials. Plants, animals and minerals grown and raised without a strong downward force help identify and highlight the stark differences that need to be adjusted for. Working in close concert with these five others, you blaze a trail for humanity's future.

As is fitting for such an extraordinary experience, only hard work and diligence has enabled your stay here. Sacrifice, focus, and patience have enabled you to learn the skills, and time spent serving your country has provided you with the experience necessary to achieve such an esteemed position. Looking back, you're glad you stuck to your plans, and never lost heart. Encouraging words would have been helpful, though, for all of the difficult times, especially at the beginning, and during your stay in the military. If you could go back in time and say something to yourself, it would probably go something like this:

"It is worth it. For every ounce of strength and will invested, for all of the time spent planning and worrying, for the sacrifices made; it will be returned tenfold in wonderment and satisfaction. Every moment spent is novel, an experience worthy of note unto itself. Satisfaction resides in the knowledge that you are on the forefront of human development, setting an example and allowing others to learn from your work. Always keep this in mind. Remember: perspective is key. When the weight of the world and its trifles bear down on your shoulders, never lose sight of your ultimate goal. It is purpose that keeps us driven, and drive that achieves our purpose."

Or, in other words:

"Just don't forget that all of this work and petty bullshit now means that you'll be able to go into space later."